So sometimes I wonder...

What the hell is wrong with me? Why on earth do I keep doing this to myself? I leave the ONLY community of other lesbians of color that took me four years to build to go off galavanting to countries of the world where I will undoubtedly be alone and never understood. And then, I have the nerve to get all upset about it. Well not that upset, but upset nonetheless. Actually, no. I do get really upset but I think I am justisfied in my anger. It is not that I am angry about anything that goes on in Mexico that wouldn't happen in the States. That is not the issue. The heteromsexism, sexism, homophobia, racism and everything else that comprises the oppression and often insanity that comes with my identity as a black, lesbian, woman are not too different from what you would find in the States. Only here, it is more exaggerated and less talked about. No, the conclusion I return to again and again is the need and importance of a community. And here I am in Mexico, starting from scratch.

Despite the fact that Guadalajara is supposedly the gayest city in Latin America, I am still finding it difficult to find a community here. I think part of it has to do with the language barrier. Part of it has to do Mexican culture in general in that it seems difficult to find many people are able to go out freely. It's wierd here. I know people who are 25 yrs. old and still have curfews. This is because most people still live with their parents at home. It's really interesting and something I just don't understand. This I think leads to a certain level of immaturity which I have experienced first hand in the lesbian community here. People 5 - 8 years my senior seem to handle certain dramatic situations with the charisma and charm of a 12 yr. old. And with lesbians, there is always drama. So imagine how much more dramatic situations become when you have a bunch of women (already in a small community) dealing with their issues as if they were playing a part on a All My Children. But I digress. Another cultural issue seems to be that people won't say no. I make plans with people all the time, they confirm, I go to where we agree to meet, and no one shows up. I don't understand it. If you can't make it, just say you can't make it. Or call. Anything. But no. It seems that in Mexico it is less rude to say 'yes' and not show up then to just say 'no, I can't go' in the fist place. So, yes I am finding it a bit difficult to find people that I can count on.

And I must consider that perhaps, race may be an issue, especially in a country that sells chocolate covered bread sticks called Negritos. (I'll let you work that one out).I can't escape it, especially when you find out that people think (for no obvious reason) that you have AIDS. No joke. Now, what exactly do you do in such a situation? I could just ignore it and hope that just a few ignorant people don't matter. But then I consider how small the lesbian community actually is and I can't help but wonder if the ignorance and racism of one or two people will actually affect me that much. I don't know the answer to this one yet, but is something that I consider everytime I go out now. I wonder, if when Mexican lesbians see me, they automatically think that I have AIDS because I'm black. Now, isn't that a terrible thing to have to think about everytime you leave the house? Talk about double consciousness.

Oh well. The more I travel the more I realize that no matter where you go, you can't escape racism. No matter how hard you try. It will always be there, at least in my lifetime. I just find it so interesting how racism in other countries is so similiar to American racism. You have to wonder how those same ideas about specific groups of people get so entrenched in countries that didn't have slavery, or at least slavery in the same context of the United States. I know it all has to do with history but it is so interesting.

Anyways, just you all don't think all is lost with me, I found a kitten about two weeks ago. He was in shoe box on the sidewalk and I happened upon him as I was walking to the market. I couldn't just leave him there and was intent on taking him to the vet. But alas, nothing is open in this country on Sunday so I had to take him home. Well, I was planning on giving him away but he was just too cute. So I kept him. His name is Miles. So at the very least, he keeps me somewhat occupied. My roommates love him too. It's funny to see these guys get all gushy around a kitten. And I think my Spanish is coming along well. About every week or so, I feel like I hit a platau and am not learning anymore, but then I spend the next day speaking entirely in Spanish. I am also enjoying my capoeira class and have made friends with an Italian teacher at my job. She doesn't speak English so we have to speak Spanish with each other which is excellent. I think she, her boyfriend and I are going to go travelling this weekend. I shall let you know. And this past weekend was Mexican Independence day weekend. I went to a bar with some other teachers and let's just say, had a very good time ;-). And those are other black people in this picture. LOL

Ok, I'm off to capoeira practice! noz vemos!