So sometimes I wonder...

What the hell is wrong with me? Why on earth do I keep doing this to myself? I leave the ONLY community of other lesbians of color that took me four years to build to go off galavanting to countries of the world where I will undoubtedly be alone and never understood. And then, I have the nerve to get all upset about it. Well not that upset, but upset nonetheless. Actually, no. I do get really upset but I think I am justisfied in my anger. It is not that I am angry about anything that goes on in Mexico that wouldn't happen in the States. That is not the issue. The heteromsexism, sexism, homophobia, racism and everything else that comprises the oppression and often insanity that comes with my identity as a black, lesbian, woman are not too different from what you would find in the States. Only here, it is more exaggerated and less talked about. No, the conclusion I return to again and again is the need and importance of a community. And here I am in Mexico, starting from scratch.

Despite the fact that Guadalajara is supposedly the gayest city in Latin America, I am still finding it difficult to find a community here. I think part of it has to do with the language barrier. Part of it has to do Mexican culture in general in that it seems difficult to find many people are able to go out freely. It's wierd here. I know people who are 25 yrs. old and still have curfews. This is because most people still live with their parents at home. It's really interesting and something I just don't understand. This I think leads to a certain level of immaturity which I have experienced first hand in the lesbian community here. People 5 - 8 years my senior seem to handle certain dramatic situations with the charisma and charm of a 12 yr. old. And with lesbians, there is always drama. So imagine how much more dramatic situations become when you have a bunch of women (already in a small community) dealing with their issues as if they were playing a part on a All My Children. But I digress. Another cultural issue seems to be that people won't say no. I make plans with people all the time, they confirm, I go to where we agree to meet, and no one shows up. I don't understand it. If you can't make it, just say you can't make it. Or call. Anything. But no. It seems that in Mexico it is less rude to say 'yes' and not show up then to just say 'no, I can't go' in the fist place. So, yes I am finding it a bit difficult to find people that I can count on.

And I must consider that perhaps, race may be an issue, especially in a country that sells chocolate covered bread sticks called Negritos. (I'll let you work that one out).I can't escape it, especially when you find out that people think (for no obvious reason) that you have AIDS. No joke. Now, what exactly do you do in such a situation? I could just ignore it and hope that just a few ignorant people don't matter. But then I consider how small the lesbian community actually is and I can't help but wonder if the ignorance and racism of one or two people will actually affect me that much. I don't know the answer to this one yet, but is something that I consider everytime I go out now. I wonder, if when Mexican lesbians see me, they automatically think that I have AIDS because I'm black. Now, isn't that a terrible thing to have to think about everytime you leave the house? Talk about double consciousness.

Oh well. The more I travel the more I realize that no matter where you go, you can't escape racism. No matter how hard you try. It will always be there, at least in my lifetime. I just find it so interesting how racism in other countries is so similiar to American racism. You have to wonder how those same ideas about specific groups of people get so entrenched in countries that didn't have slavery, or at least slavery in the same context of the United States. I know it all has to do with history but it is so interesting.

Anyways, just you all don't think all is lost with me, I found a kitten about two weeks ago. He was in shoe box on the sidewalk and I happened upon him as I was walking to the market. I couldn't just leave him there and was intent on taking him to the vet. But alas, nothing is open in this country on Sunday so I had to take him home. Well, I was planning on giving him away but he was just too cute. So I kept him. His name is Miles. So at the very least, he keeps me somewhat occupied. My roommates love him too. It's funny to see these guys get all gushy around a kitten. And I think my Spanish is coming along well. About every week or so, I feel like I hit a platau and am not learning anymore, but then I spend the next day speaking entirely in Spanish. I am also enjoying my capoeira class and have made friends with an Italian teacher at my job. She doesn't speak English so we have to speak Spanish with each other which is excellent. I think she, her boyfriend and I are going to go travelling this weekend. I shall let you know. And this past weekend was Mexican Independence day weekend. I went to a bar with some other teachers and let's just say, had a very good time ;-). And those are other black people in this picture. LOL

Ok, I'm off to capoeira practice! noz vemos!

More Party, More Problems...

Sooo. .. I think I am going to become a vegetarian when I come back to the US. I eat so much meat here it's not even funny. The last time I actually ate vegetables was about four days ago when I made stirfry. Again, I am finding it incredibly difficult to eat healthy here. Everything is grilled or fried in grease and tossed with lime and salt and buying fresh vegetables is expensive. Damn pesos.

So anyways, we had a huge party at our house last night. Somehow we ended up with a DJ and everything at one point. It didn't end until 5 am in the morning. I had fun...well about as much fun a lesbian can at a straight party surrounded by men who find you not only exotic but titilating by your very existence. I made sure to wear my tie and baggy jeans to this party to avoid confusion that guys may have about my possible interest in them. You would think right...but no, a few guys still didn't get it. It was very annoying too because I would be dancing with a girl (who by the way only wanted me to teach her how to dance to hip hop but whatever) and the guys were either hooting and howling or would feel the need to jump in and "help" us out, fulfilling their need to save the day. I mean seriously, what would two girls possibly do without some big, strong man to come and please them both. GRRRR! This one of the things I hate most about heteronormativity and rigid gender roles: guys can't get over the fact that there are some women who DO NOT need their help nor desire their interference. Needless to say, I am feeling the machismo culture very much here.

But back to the party, it was a big success. According to my roommate, you can tell how successful a party was by the size of the mess the next day. Well, this morning we all spent two hours trying to get the house back in order. Another funny thing. So at about 7 am this morning this man came to our door all upset about the noise last night. Apparently I was the only one in any state to be able to answer the door at that hour because he seriously rang the doorbell for about 10 minutes before anyone answered. Finally, I got up and answered it. He angrily greets meet and just walks into our house. He starts talking to me about the noise and asking me who lived here and showing me this folder with some papers. I'm thinking to myself, "Shit, the whole neighborhood has gotten together and are going to try to kick us out, or something." Naturally, I pretended I didn't understand a word of Spanish. Thankfully, my other roommate, Louis, emerged from his room at this point and he begins talking to this man who turns out to be our neighbor- a doctor, with a pregnant wife. I just stand there while the two of them talk, pretending not to understand but wanting to give Louis moral support. I could understand about 70% of what they were saying, it was just the damn details I couldn't get. I was surprised at myself considering the state I was in just three hours earlier. Anyways, Louis starts translating for me about what he is saying and this is when we find out he speaks some English. Victor is his name and he was really upset about party and the noise so late and he pulls out this sheet of rules of about living in Zapopan. I was starting to get nervous but Louis was unimpressed and started in on him (very calmly of course) about how if he had a problem he didn't need to come over here yelling and with some sheet explaining the rules (especially as it was the first time we had actually met him) and all he had to do was talk to us. Then Louis invited him in for tea. I was in shock but very impressed. Reluctantly, he came in and the three of us sat down and discussed things calmly over tea. At this point, Victor, I think was a bit nervous and in shock and has begun to back down. I began explaining to him that we don't want to have any trouble with our neighbors and we were not aware of his situation (pregnant bedridden wife and work the next day) because he had never come to introduce himself or anything, and if he had had a problem all he had to do was come and ask us to turn down the music. At this point he was offering us free doctor services. He was like, 'I don't hold anything against you guys. If you need anything from me, maybe tomorrow you can come by and I can do something for you, etc. You are young but very mature, etc.' Amazing what a simple cup of tea can do. I'm gonna start doing that for all my arguments. LOL and after that we went back to bed.

Oh yea, we just got back from a mariachi concert. It was free a concert held at the Arcos downtown. It was fun. Apparently, Jalisco, the state that Guadalajara is in, is know for two things: tequila and mariachi. Mexicans get really into it. I like alright. I mean it's fun and all and interesting to listen to and watch but I just don't get it on the same level that Mexicans do. Maybe once I am able to understand the words I will get it. I feel the same way about electronica/techno here too. They love it but I SERIOUSLY don't understand how anyone can listen to more than one 15 minute song. Oh well. I am beginning to think I should have picked a country with a little more soul. I'll explain that one later I suppose. I'm off to bed now. buenas noches.